We need to start the conversation on low sexual desire or libido.
Libido can be discussed as energy or urges that promotes the desire that leads us to more sexual contact. Low libido/ sexual desire happens to many individuals throughout their adult life time. Low desire doesn’t mean that you fell out of love or you are broken, it may mean you need to relax and take a closer look at sex and intimacy and the role they both play in your relationship.
The first step is to make a conscious decision that you deserve a healthy satisfying sex life and to be open to experiencing intimacy and pleasure. I have worked with many individuals who suffer from guilt and shame that diminishes their sexual urges due to feeling unworthy to give or receive pleasure. When you make the decision to not just let this go or suffer in silence, you have taken a major first step.
Men may find this harder to discuss than women. Society paints a picture of men as always ready for sex, when a man’s libido drops, he may become confused, embarrassed or withdrawn. This behavior results in anger and withdraw to avoid the subject of sex or intimacy.
Women may face the low desire challenges by also suffering in silence with thinking something is wrong with them and continue to engage to avoid conflict or by withdrawing and avoiding any intimate talk or touching to avoid intercourse.
Many couples that are seen in my practice want statistics to prove a disagreement about how much is enough sex for couples or what is the average a couple should have sex. Statistics do exist about what other couples have reported, but they are not you or in your relationship. The best answer is to talk to your partner to discuss what is a number you agree on and are comfortable with and what defines healthy and unhealthy in your relationship.
When looking at low libido, you may also want to be mindful of what you have been taught about desire. We learn that desire is the first step in the process of sex followed by arousal and then orgasm. There has been research to look at this process closer. Sexuality is different for everyone, some people need more than a look or thought to become aroused.
In your relationship you may need to be touched in a stimulating way to become fully aroused. Once you are triggered then desire follows. It’s no right or wrong way to accomplish desire. The major key is to know you or your partner’s desire pattern and works for your relationship. Just because it may take longer doesn’t mean it’s gone. Take the time and enjoy the journey.
When you tried changing your approach and mindset and you still are experiencing low desire it may be time to talk to you medical doctor or professional helper like a therapist to look closer at biological or psychological factors that may be contribute to your or partner’s low desire. Some things that may be a factor are:
Hormones, can play a major role in libido
- Medications, can also take away desire or prolong orgasms leading to frustration
- Illness can also cause inflammation that causes the delay or diminish or desire
- Psychological factors like trauma, abuse, guilt and shame can also diminish desire
Relationship dynamics can also play a major role. It is hard to be sexual with someone you don’t communicate with them, feel safe with them, or emotional secure with them.
Low desire/libido can affect anyone at any stage or relationship in their life. The key is to stop suffering in silence and make a choice to get to the root of the concern to get back enjoying a happier and loving relationship that you want.
Get help now, and find your sexual voice again.
LMFT, CST Certified Sex Therapist